Catch22
by Grisu
Summary: Uchiha Itachi is not happy with his new job... And neither is anyone else... slightly crackish AfterWar fic, following manga chapter 369 SasuSaku, ItaHana, others
1. Frenemies

Disclaimer: Don't own nothing…

Chapter 01

**Frenemies**

* * *

"**Listen here, Gnome. I don't give a shit if your precious **_**Hokage**_**-**_**sama**_** is busy right now!**" 

_Oh, here we go again…_

Alone and unobserved in his office (_…and wasn't that a place he'd sworn never to call his own?_) Uchiha Itachi gave into the urge to bang his head onto his desk. Repeatedly. If ever there was a reason to kill oneself, becoming Hokage was surely it. Not that he'd actually volunteered for the job, god no.

_Pein will__ pay…_

That was his new mantra. If only he could find a weakness in the rain-nin's impenetrable armour. No luck in that area so far, so he'd had to take the post the Akatsuki leader, or rather the _official_ leader, had given him. He knew there was someone in the shadows – someone important guiding Pein and his sidekick Konan, but even after a decade of subtle snooping he was no closer to their identity.

Oh, he had a list of suspects of course, but it was short and the notes on every one random and inconclusive as most of the organisation was paranoid and elusive, secretive to the ultimo. And until he'd figured out who'd caught him in this net of betrayal and illusions, he would have to wait and play his part, which unfortunately included the mind-numbing task of being Hokage…

He winced a little as the door gave way with a crash and the genin appointed as his assistant fled the scene with a girlish shriek.

_Great, now he'd have to find another __gofer… the fifth this month._

Stubbornly he trained his eyes on the paper before him – the one he was supposed to either sign or dismiss and that he'd read about three times now without actually taking in any of the words. Some supply form or other for the academy, probably for toilet paper – they did use a suspiciously high amount there; he'd have to check that over with their allotted budget. He made a mental note to do that later and again wished a slow and painful death to his so called leader.

Still it gave him a convenient excuse to ignore the Inuzuka heiress and what was no doubt going to be a very colourful rant. Also not a first in his three months of tenure…

The woman was a _menace_, always had been really, but she could be quite amusing when angered, if a little annoying. And she'd brought her damn pack of beasts with her – if they started chewing on his furniture again, he'd make her carve new ones with a _spoon_ this time…

"**This is it, Uchiha!**"

_Weren't the dog breeders supposed to have the sensitive hearing__ of their animals?_

He was puzzled how she could stand her own screaming…

"**I put up with your little friends taking over this place and with you being in charge and even with being cut of from missions for the time being…**"

"Not _quietly_, as I recall." He injected calmly and still didn't look at her. He hadn't thrown her out the window yet, she should feel lucky for that alone.

"**But**," she carried on as if he hadn't spoken, "**I absolutely refuse to cater to the whims of that perverted **_**Smurf**_"

_What has Kisame__ done now?_

"Complaint duly noted. Goodbye." With an internal sigh he kept his head down and waved a hand to dismiss her.

"Oh no, you don't, Uchiha. You're not getting rid of me with that phlegmatic persona of yours." Her voice was quieter now, but he didn't take it as a good sign.

_And did she just call him __**slimy**_?

"I'm not leaving until you've called him down from his ego trip."

"He's just bored. Leave him be and he won't kill anyone…"

"**Bored?**" Even one of her dogs gave a little yelp as she screeched (_the other two were deaf, he decided then and there, they had to be…_) and Itachi clenched his hands to keep from shielding his ears with them. "He's not bored, he's mental. Do you even know what he's doing or have you finally given in and taken those little Happy Pills your shrink recommended years ago?"

_Alright, enough is enough. _

Questioning his mental health had been her preferred insult for him since they'd met in the academy as children – and he supposed his personal history did give her enough ammunition for that one – but he had never let her get away with it and he wasn't about to start now.

"Mind who you're speaking to, Inuzuka." His voice was deadly quiet and he finally lifted his eyes towards her, Sharingan blazing. "I am your Hoka…"

…only to sputter to a stop as soon as his mind registered the woman in front of him. Hands on her hips, eyes narrowed dangerously and mouth pulled into a thin line, but all that wasn't anything out of the ordinary. Her clothes (_at least he presumed they were meant to be clothes, what little there was of them…_) however were.

"What the hell are you wearing?"

"Why, _Hokage-sama_? Do you not recognize the new uniform that you, in your infinite wisdom, picked for all us fragile and sexually repressed kunoichi to wear?"

"I'm gonna kill him…" The Uchiha mumbled as he pinched the bridge of his nose, hoping she'd read it as a sign of his exasperation with his partner's actions and not for what it truly was – a desperate try to rid himself of the image of her and her exposed… _person_.

"Please do." She told him sweetly and with no small amount of smugness in her voice.

Well, he couldn't let her think she'd won, could he? Of course he couldn't – where would be the fun in that?

Even if he _did_ agree with her…

"He'll get over it in a while, just go along with it for now and don't rile him up." He'd found his inner calm again and his voice reflected it, as he looked back at the paper in his hands, clearly indicating the end of this conversation.

The form might have been designed to bore him to death, but anything was better than looking at her in that… that…

Words failed him – calling her outfit a dress was clearly an exaggeration and pronouncing it a washcloth (_which really came a lot closer to the truth_) induced a nervous twitch in the back of his neck that he'd rather not have to explain to her.

"Go along with it? He'll get over it?" She parroted, clearly dumbfounded and he basked in it for a moment. A small piece of him even revelled in the memories that fighting with this woman induced, even after all these years away. Whatever deity had thrown them together in the same genin team back then, It surely had a sense of sadism and twisted humour, as their teacher had nearly been driven insane by the time they'd finished their first mission.

"**Look at me, dammit!**" _Again with the screaming_. All gentle feelings of remembrance fled him and his hands clenched again. "**I'm wearing a fucking skirt! I haven't worn a skirt since I was coherent enough to say 'Mama, I hate that ugly pink dress!' And this top leaves less to the imagination than a fig leaf! This… this **_**outfit**_** makes my garter belts look like nun's habits."**

_Garter belts, huh?_

He wondered if she had a red one…

No, no, bad genius brain, bad. He did not come back to Konoha to daydream of old team mates – well, one of them anyway – the day he started imagining Kamizuki Izumo in lingerie, was the day he'd gladly feed himself to Tsunade's pet snail…

"**I look like a freaking cheerleader on crack!**"

_What's a cheerleader?_

It was probably better to keep that question to himself, lest she take it as an opening. He'd have to get her out of his office soon, or he'd never get done with this paperwork. He didn't fancy working overtime just because she couldn't take a hint.

Before he could dismiss her again however, she strode over to the window and leaned her hands on the window sill, ignoring whatever he had to say.

_So much for being Hokage, respected and admired…_

"You realize I'm not the only one who'll complain about this, right?" Her voice was calm now and he could sense the calculation in it. She was no doubt going to make her case clear and concise and wouldn't let him stop her. Maybe throwing her out the window wasn't such a bad idea after all…

He only gave her small sigh as an answer and she took it as a sign to continue.

"Right now he's giving out _uniforms_," she practically spat the word, breaking the quiet that had taken over the room as her anger returned, "to the eighteen to twenty year-olds, it's only a matter of time until one of them blows. It'll either be Tenten or Sakura, that's for sure, and then you're in for a world of hurt…"

"You got lucky so far – Shizune is too quiet spoken to take her complaints to you and Anko didn't say anything purely because she loves to shock the hell out of Kakashi, which will be like taking candy from a baby with… well, this. And Fish Face thankfully had enough brains to leave Kurenai alone, since she's already six months pregnant…"

_Again_, Itachi added in his mind. Asuma hadn't been on many missions since his near fatal run-in with Hidan a few years back – it was probably time to change that, if only to prevent an overpopulation of the Village.

"I'll deal with it." He spoke tersely and futilely hoped she would shut up already.

"Oh, I don't doubt that. You're not gonna have much of a choice in the matter. But it would be so much easier to call him back now and get it over with before this gets out of hand."

"I'm busy."

"Doing what exactly, oh _Hokage-sama_? Budgeting toilet paper and bedpans?"

_Damn, she's good…_

He vaguely remembered a funding request from the hospital buried in the pile next to his elbow, about more money for sanitary… _things_… whatever the fancy word for it was. So yeah, bedpans…

He chose not to respond to her remark and after a moment she turned back to the window, watching something down in the streets. He had the distinct feeling he was better of not knowing what exactly was holding her attention so raptly.

He glanced at her back and returned his eyes to the paper immediately, clearing his throat uncomfortably and eyebrow twitching. But as if on their own accord his eyes strayed to her a second time and stubbornly stayed there. It occurred to him that his job would be a damn sight better if she'd keep standing there, in that outfit, slightly wiggling her legs in boredom.

Of course, that would require for her to keep her mouth shut and he had no hopes such a miracle would happen any time soon…

Still, a small, lascivious grin stretched the corners of his lips…

"**Aaaargh!**"

…to be wiped away instantly as the angry scream tore through the quiet streets and reached his window.

"Well, there goes Tenten." She commented cheerfully. Inuzuka Hana's mood swings had always been a mystery to him. "You remember her, don't you?"

He didn't answer – of course he knew who the girl was. He'd taken his time to study the files of all the Nin under his command. Far more interesting than the old council records he was supposed to study (_'…to better internalize the procedures and structure of command' my ass, they're just trying to get me to quit…_) and a good way to catch up on whatever he had missed over the years. Some were surprising in their listed accomplishments, others just as he'd expected – it really came as no surprise to read that Tsunade had taken Kakashi into consideration as her successor…

If memory served correctly – and it usually did for him – Tenten was the surname-less weapon's mistress, Jounin and former student of Might Guy, abandoned as a baby on the steps of the hospital and later given into the custody of the blacksmith, her real parents were still unknown.

"She's the girlfriend of the Hyuga prodigy, by the way," Hana continued and he felt dread settle in his stomach. "So it's safe to say your partner will pretty soon go _belly up_…"

While he still contemplated whether to strangle his blue friend or to just throw in the towel now and make haste into exile (_not such a bad idea really, a small island in the Caribbean sounded just about right at the moment…_), another furious scream brought him out of his dreams of nubile, half-naked beauties serving his every whim.

This time it was accompanied by a resounding crash and he watched the dog breeder throw her hands into the air and jump a little in glee, which didn't help all that much to keep him out of LaLa-Land as her skirt (_really, it was more of an expanded, fluttering belt…_) was a little slower to fall back down than the rest of her.

"Thar she _blows_!!"

With a whoop the dark-haired woman turned to him and he averted his eyes quickly to the forgotten form still in his hands.

"And that was Haruno – student of your predecessor and the only person in known existence who can lift _Gamabunta_." Her smile was unholy, brimming with malicious joy.

_Damn, this was getting complicated._

Kisame was a dead Sharkie, that was for sure. But first he'd kick his little brother and that dumb team mate of his. Hadn't he instructed the two to keep an eye on the swordsman? They were so going down…

"I know who she is."

"Good, then you probably also know that there's a big honking hole in the tailor's shop now, right? It does look vaguely human shaped from here, but the guy I saw flying by was white haired, so Shark Boy's still amongst the living." She clapped her hands and turned back to the window. "Let's see who he's going to sic on you next…"

The oldest Uchiha put his head in his hands, not too eager to find out.

"**AYYEEE**…" This time the scream was of a more shocked and horrified nature and cut of suddenly, filling the older Uchiha with despair.

"Well," the woman continued her running commentary, "and that was Hyuga Hinata, dying of embarrassment. Congratulations, _Hokage-sama_, you've just killed one of, if not _the_ most important heiress of the shinobi world…"

He was at the door in less than a second, ripping the wood panel almost of its hinges, and grabbed the first unfortunate passer-by, walking unsuspecting past his door.

"Get me Kisame and whoever's with him. NOW!"

Everyone in the village knew not to mess with him (_well, except for the woman currently disturbing his working hours apparently_) and so the boy, no more than twelve years old Itachi guessed, scrambled off, after unfreezing his body by sheer survival instinct, all but peeing his pants in the process.

Slamming the door he took a deep breath and stared at the still cackling woman. Damn, working up enough anger to intimidate her was rather hard… _uh, bad choice of words_… was rather difficult, when she wore next to nothing and was lightly bouncing on the balls of her feet…

He hastily took off his cloak and threw it at her, doing his best to mask his embarrassment with snotty indifference.

"Put that on, Inuzuka. I can't have you standing around in my office, looking like a…"

"Oh _Hokage-sama_," she cut him off loudly, which was probably a good thing as he had no idea where that sentence had come from and he wasn't sure he wanted to finish it. "I have this problem; I do hope you can help me. How do you spell the word '_eunuch'_ again?"

_Yeah, definitely a good thing she hadn't let him finish…_

"Just put it on, will you…"

Thankfully she complied without further argument, only muttering to herself as she pulled the fabric around herself. "Definitely queer…"

_Whatever the hell that was supposed to mean…_

He had a feeling she had just made a small jab at his expense, but shook it off and went back to his desk, falling into the chair with a sigh. There was a headache forming in the base of his skull and his eyebrow still twitched occasionally. Back to those forms then, at least he could spend the waiting time productively now – there was no need for her to further needle him, she'd already gotten what she wanted.

Apparently that fact didn't sit as well with her as he'd expected, since she began to fidget now, obviously bored. He tried valiantly to ignore her but it only seemed to egg her on. Soon she was humming and tapping her foot to a rhythm he didn't recognize. Not that he had much knowledge of music anyway – it could be from an advertisement on TV for all he knew.

And then she actually started singing and he had to fight the urge to bang his head on his desk again. It really wouldn't do for the Hokage to put himself into a coma by smashing his own head in, would it?

"_Can you hear the drums__, Fernando?  
I remember long ago another starry night like this_**…"**

Maybe it wouldn't be all that much of a scandal if he could convince everyone he'd slipped and hit the table?

_"In the firelight, Fernando  
You were humming to yourself and softly strumming your guitar  
I could hear the distant drums  
And sounds of bugle calls were coming from afar…__"  
_

"_Must_ you?" He forced out through his gritted teeth and only got a smile as answer that told him clearly that she knew exactly how much he hated music and that she had no intention of sparing him.

"_I was so afraid, Fernando_  
_We were young and full of life and none of us prepared to die  
And I'm not ashamed to say  
The roar of guns and cannons almost made me cry__…"_

The kunai sailed past her ear as she fainted to the right with ease and didn't even break her pace. On the contrary, it only served to make her sing louder._  
_**  
**_"There was something in the air that night  
The stars were bright, Fernando  
They were shining there for you and me  
For liberty, Fernando  
Though we never thought that we could lose  
There's no regret  
If I had to do the same again  
I would, my friend, Fernando_…"

He contemplated stopping her with the Sharingan, but restrained himself – he hadn't come back here to instate a reign of terror (_much to Kisame's dismay_) – he had other plans for the future of this village and he still needed the cooperation of the council. No, he didn't come here to further widen the chasm and losing his temper would get him nowhere with his subordinates.

"_Now we're old and grey, Fernando  
And since many years I haven't seen a rifle in your hand  
Can you hear the drums, Fernando?  
Do you still recall the fateful night we crossed the Rio Grande?"_

There was a strange sadness underlying her words and he couldn't tell whether it was genuine or just a part of the song itself. It struck a chord inside him and unsettled his whole equilibrium. Somewhere in the dark corners of his mind old memories tried to unbury themselves and the sense of conflict made him uncomfortable.

"_I can see it in your eyes  
How proud you were to fight for freedom in this land…"_

Unnerved by his own sentimentality, he shoved the door closed on those feelings and forcefully signed the damn form. Then the next and the next…

Thankfully this was the last of her little serenade, since another incensed shout, this time from right outside his door, echoed through the air and cut her off.

"**Stop staring at my ass, pervert!**"

The smack that followed could not be mistaken for anything other than almost decapitating and he recognized the voice as the Haruno girl. His partner had found his match in strength in a petite, pink-haired girl of eighteen years – the thought almost made him smile.

It was not Kisame however sporting a glowing red cheek as the three men followed the furious gaggle of kunoichi into the room. He raised an eyebrow at his brother's disgruntled frown and resisted the urge to laugh at Sasuke's expense. Looked like Kakashi was wrong – the boy had learned a lot more from his old sensei than the copy-nin realized…

…which obviously didn't sit too well with his brother's ex-team mate. Those piercing green eyes were still trained on the younger Uchiha, the air around her almost crackling with fury, and Itachi couldn't help but feel glad that he was not the only having to suffer for Kisame's escapades. Angry females were _scary_, that fact even he acknowledged.

Still his little brother didn't give any outward sign of fear or discomfort as he glared straight ahead, daring anyone to comment on the accusation.

One of the girls – the weapon's mistress – carried an unconscious Hyuga heiress over her shoulder and deposited her carefully on the couch by the book shelves, a holdover from his predecessor. She thankfully covered the pale girl with one of the blankets there – apparently the slug sannin had spent many a night in her office, a fact that didn't bode well for his future…

"Hana?" One of the girls (_Yamanaka Ino, daughter of the flower shop owners and specialized in mind manipulation jutsu_, his memory provided) spoke up, finally noticing their friend and sounding confused. "What's with the fugly cloak?"

Her voice was wary and her gaze shifted suspiciously from the Inuzuka to him and back. It took him a moment to figure out that she was afraid their colleague had defected and suddenly turned into a devoted Akatsuki groupie.

The image alone was absurd to Itachi and he almost snorted – Inuzuka Hana, heroine of wounded deer and baby bunnies everywhere, turning sides and pursuing world domination – that was even more unlikely than her falling madly in love with Kisame…

"Our _fearless_ _leader_," the woman in question answered and he just knew she had every intention of embarrassing him with her next words, "got a little flustered with my boobies having so much moving space and took it upon himself to defend my virtue by _bravely_ lending his cherished coat."

_Great, he does one nice thing and she uses it against him immediately…_

Ungrateful little b… Her gaze trained on him as if reading his thoughts and cut them off abruptly. Scary indeed.

He forced himself not to react outwardly and turned to the three men instead. Unsurprising, the two ex-mist-nin were still ogling the scantily clad women and his brother was still staring straight ahead. Itachi decided to deal with him first.

"Uchiha, Hozuki," he addressed the younger men, hoping to at least convey a small sense of professionalism here; through he'd rather just bash their heads together and order them to scrub bedpans for the foreseeable future. _Hm, the latter wasn't all that unprofessional actually…_ "You were supposed to watch him. Why didn't you inform me of this?"

"Hn."

Itachi wondered where exactly his brother had learned these manners from – apparently not from the same parents he had. Restraining himself from commenting, Itachi translated his brother's limited vocabulary as an order for Suigetsu to explain and trained his eyes on the white-haired man.

"We thought you knew, he had an order scroll and everything."

_Oh no, he didn't…_

But he did. His partner pulled the scroll out of his pocket, looking quite pleased with himself.

"Kisame…" His lips barely moved, his teeth were clenched so tight it hurt and his Sharingan engaged on its own accord, but that threat had obviously lost all its intensity years ago. The blue giant was positively beaming with glee.

"What, Itachi, you don't remember signing it?"

Forget Orochimaru and his weird fetishes – a blue-skinned, demon-sword wielding and almost seven-foot-high human-shark, complete with gills and triangular teeth, trying to play the innocent guppy was definitely the most bizarre picture he had ever come across…

The Tenten girl snatched the scroll and unrolled it, probably making sure if her new Hokage was indeed a closeted pervert, and soon her narrowed eyes trained on him.

His so called friend had successfully turned the whole thing on him and thrown him to the vultures – Itachi had to admit, so much cunning and audacity deserved a certain respect, but his partner was wrong if he thought he would get away with it.

"Forget it, Tenten." The dog breeder spoke up and gave Itachi a small, albeit slightly mocking, smile. "The big Uchiha _genius_ has less sex drive than a potted plant – if that really is his signature, he obviously had no idea what he was signing."

Itachi blinked at her, stunned and speechless. Was she… defending him?

Sure, she'd insulted him in the same breath, but it didn't negate the fact that she had indeed spoken up on his behalf and turned the blame back onto Kisame.

_Huh… interesting._

"But," the Tenten girl was still sceptic, "he even got the agreement of the Elder Council for this. How would he get them to sign without the help of the Hokage?"

"I don't think they needed much persuasion, Tenten." The Haruno girl gave an inelegant snort. "Old lechers, the lot of them! I bet there were only two contra votes."

The weapon's mistress consulted the scroll again and gave her friend a nod of affirmation, coupled with a look of confusion that was echoed by the blonde and the dog breeder (the Hyuga was still unconscious on his couch).

"There're only two women in the council," the rosette headed girl answered them, "Koharu-san and Shishou."

"Hiashi would have never agreed to this," Tenten pointed out and Itachi let them wander of topic for a while, the better to have time to find a way to undo this without them turning his partner into shark-fin soup. "I mean, look at Hinata-chan – he'd never let his daughters leave the house like that."

"Hiashi is part of the Clan Council, not the Elder Council, Tenten." The Haruno knew surprisingly much about the politics of the village – probably through her mentor. Maybe he should get her to be his assistant. Really, this job would've been a lot easier if Shizune hadn't quit out of protest…

He cleared his throat to call them to attention and regretted it almost immediately as four very intense and very angry female stares were directed his way.

_No sudden movements_, he reminded himself.

"Kisame," he intoned slowly, making the older man shrink a little, "however you got me to sign that, I'm declaring it null and void as of now."

"Uhm, Sir?"

"What, Haruno?"

"Well, of course I would never presume to know this better than our great Hokage, but…"

_Kami, that girl is a bad liar…_

Did she honestly think he couldn't tell when he was being mocked? Even his little brother snorted at her fumbled statement and she turned to him with a glare.

"Haruno," Itachi called her attention back to the matter at hand – he still needed the boy and couldn't afford for Sasuke to get slaughtered before the big finale (_afterwards however was an entirely different matter and he had no qualms to make the brat her lawful slave as soon as everything was said and done…_). "Explain."

"Once the council passes a new law with a majority vote of at least two-thirds, then…" She trailed of with a wince.

"Yes?" He hoped his voice conveyed a little less desperation than he actually felt.

"Then the Hokage has no statutory accreditation to nullify that law."

Chaos erupted as she finished and the Inuzuka threw herself in Kisame's direction, claws extended and fangs bared; only held back by the three younger women.

"**Let me go! He's a dead Smurf!**"

* * *

**A/N: So, uh… I have absolutely, definitely no idea where this actually came from and I'm not even sure where exactly it will go.**** There was just suddenly this scene in my head where Itachi is Hokage and Kisame is doing his very best to drive the prodigy crazy. And then Hana demanded a part of it and Sakura and Sasuke just popped up and inserted themselves and…**

**Yeah, and then I started writing and there it is. **

**As I said I'm not sure where this is going, but I've at least a vague outline as to how and why Itachi is Hokage (I don't want to brag, but I bet I'm the first to give him of all people the job) and what he's planning in that twisted brain of his. But mostly this story will be humorous and (hopefully) funny and not concentrate too much on the serious side of fighting and the war with Akatsuki. **

**This obviously takes place after the current manga chapters (Sakura and co are about eighteen) and will therefore build on them as far as possible without contradiction. **

**A few general facts:**

**I've kept Asuma alive, just because I can and I want to. **

**The reunion of the Uchiha brothers will be explained in later chapters**

**Inuzuka Hana is not an invented character but really the older sister of Kiba, she makes one short appearance in the manga and is about Itachi's age. ****And no, she's not crazy or completely fearless when she confronts The Uchiha Itachi like that, she's just angry beyond reason and a little irrational, besides, as Itachi mentions, they were on the same genin team (in this story) and she knows him maybe a little better than the average Konoha citizen and also knows what she can get away with and where to draw the line. Who reads my other story will probably know her already.**

_**Italics**_** are mostly Itachi's thoughts, except for the big part of Hana's song, which is of course the unforgettable **_**Fernando**_** by ABBA – this isn't gonna be a song fic, I promise, she just does it to annoy the hell out of Itachi and she's probably gonna do it again as the story proceeds, because she knows how much he hates it. (And maybe she's being a little metaphorical with it…) I haven't yet decided whether she can actually sing or sounds like a songbird slowly drowning in tar…**

**The… ahem, **_**uniform**_** will be described next chapter**

**Pein and Konan are the not too long ago still nameless Akatsuki members that Kishi finally decided to introduce and explore on a deeper level. Technically, Pein**** (I think there's a debate going on somewhere on how exactly his name is written) is Itachi's boss as he's the official Akatsuki leader, but as I mentioned in the story, there's someone pulling the strings in the background.**

**Hozuki is Suigetsu's last name, at least right now I'm assuming it is****, since he is part of the 'Hozuki Brothers', according to Kisame. Of course we don't know how accurate this is coming from Kisame, but I'm going with it here… **

**Well, I hope this doesn't appear quite as ****loony to you as it does to me, and if it does, I hope you still find it at least funny…**

* * *

**To everyone reading Uchiha's Bane : I have not abandoned the story, I promise. The next chapter is sitting on my hard drive still unfinished and I'm drawing a total blank every time I look at it. I'm trying to force myself to at least write a sentence or two everyday, but I'm not having much luck so far…**

**I have an outline of this and the next chapter and everything I want to include is planned and ready, I just can't write it and I have no idea why it is so hard. I'm deeply sorry for the delay and hope to finish the twelfth chapter before the end of the month. Who knows, maybe writing this story gives me the kick I need to carry on with UB.**

**And if any of my faithful readers would like to look at what I've written so far and tell me whether it's utter crap or if it is at least worth carrying on in that vein, I would be more than grateful. Anyone interested please, please (I really am not ashamed to beg anymore at this point...) contact me via e-mail at c.giesecke (at) gmx (dot) com.**

**Thank you all for reading and please review**


	2. Politically Erect

Disclaimer: Don't own nothing

Chapter 02

**Politically Erect**

* * *

Uchiha Itachi looked upon the scene playing before his desk with stoic indifference… 

There was his little brother standing to the left and looking as if he'd rather be in hell, then here having to listen to something as trivial as a fashion debate.

Next to Sasuke was his watery team mate (_the one who was slightly less annoying than the redhead…_), who was obviously very amused by the ongoing chaos.

Then there was the still unconscious Hyuga girl – Itachi liked her the best at the moment…

Three huge, grey dogs were sitting on the sidelines, seeming rather bored with their human companions, while their mistress was still struggling in the grip of her three colleagues, trying to maim his partner.

And the man (_more like target_, Itachi snickered in his own head) of the hour stood dab in the middle of it all, arms crossed over his chest and sorely enjoying the upheaval he'd created, looking decidedly proud of himself.

Well, he _had_ turned the Hokage's office into a strip club – Itachi supposed his friend had a certain right to feel smug about that.

Looking back to the women he contemplated their attire…

Not only were the skirt and crop top barely covering anything, but to add insult to injury, Kisame had chosen the official Akatsuki colours – red and black – for the Konoha kunoichi to wear. And as an added bonus he'd had the tops made of spandex and even individualized the ensembles for everyone.

The Haruno girl's outfit for example was almost completely black – because of her unusual hair, Itachi assumed – except for a big Red Cross right in the middle of her chest.

_Really, Kisame, very clever and so … subtle._

And the weapon's mistress sported a plaid skirt and black top with a big red bow in the front – he really didn't want to know where his friend had gotten the inspiration for that one…

Noticing these small differences for the first time, he recalled that the Inuzuka's chest had been decorated with stylized red fangs, much like the tattoos on her cheeks, one over each…well, let's just say there were two of them.

Itachi heaved a sigh.

Yes, he could understand that his friend was bored with the simple and (_at the moment_) peaceful live in Konoha. He could even understand what part of his male _brain_ had come up with this little scheme – really, he wholeheartedly understood that one. As much as he didn't want to admit it, he had rather enjoyed the view of the Inuzuka and he doubted the mental image would leave him anytime soon. And if all the other kunoichi were wearing the same, his partner must think himself in paradise…

But did he have to include the barely legal girls of his little brother's class – those Itachi had seen in their diapers on more than one occasion…

He really didn't need to see their bellybuttons or ribs (or their _anything_ for that matter), it was slightly disturbing actually – though his little brother might find it a little _difficult_ to keep up his stoic appearance from now on (_if the Haruno's accusation earlier was any indication…),_ which in turn could lead to a great deal of amusement for Itachi himself – so maybe he could just sit back and watch the chaos unfold…

Again, the Inuzuka's eyes found him before he could even finish the thought.

_Kami, is__n't the blond supposed to specialize in mind jutsu? _

He'd never noticed before how creepy the dog breeder could be – or was it just that she still knew him well enough to predict his whims?

Either way (_he didn't discount the possibility that she was indeed able to read his mind until he had proven otherwise…_), it wasn't good for him and his peace of mind…

_Ahem, back to the problem at hand._

"Haruno," he called out, "who exactly does have the accreditation to nullify it?"

She didn't want to answer, he could see it clearly in her face, so it was obvious whatever she was going to say wasn't going to be popular…

"Well,… the… uhm, the Elder Council. They… they have to revaluate the situation and if the vote is better than two-thirds _against_ the law, it will cease to be effective…"

That settled it then – Itachi hated politics. Of course the Council of Perverts wouldn't be of any help.

But his head was already spinning to find a loophole and it didn't take him long to realize that the absence of one girl in particular was the clue – the annoying redhead his brother had picked up in one of Orochimaru's bases.

God, the snake summoner must've fucked up the boy's mind pretty good, for him to decide she would be a better asset than the pink-haired girl with the super-human strength and the ability to heal just about anything…

As much as Itachi had come to know about the one named Karin, he could only describe her as little more than a glorified bloodhound, her only outstanding ability being her refined chakra sense. Other than that she was really just one of the most annoying and nerve-grating _creatures_ he had ever come across – even worse than the Inuzuka, at least his old team mate had never tried to rape him in his sleep…

Apparently, after the Uchiha brothers had reunited in their family's old hide-out two years ago, the redhead had decided that it didn't really matter to her which one of them she would be able to chain down by her side and from then on made advances on both of them – much to Sasuke's relief and Itachi's never-ending dismay.

He'd tried hurting her (mentally and physically), making her cry and once even killing her, but she was denser than a diamond that one and not nearly as valuable…

And she wasn't here at the moment, which could only mean she had no idea about Kisame's actions – because if she did, she'd no doubt be trying to blind him with her (_almost non-existent_) boobs.

_Again_.

So that led him to the conclusion that the new uniform rule only applied to the kunoichi of Konoha, not those who were actual members of the Akatsuki, and all he had to do was get them to wear the customary cloaks and everyone would be happy…

Well, at least he would be happy, because then he'd be rid of this circus – the women would probably be a little harder to convince of the idea.

"Uchiha," apparently his old team mate was done waiting for him to react and took matters into her own hands. "You better do something about this… Soon!"

"I will talk to the council members and _convince_ them of their error on this matter, Inuzuka." Yeah, fancy words that, but he doubted there was even one person in the room who didn't know he was going to threaten the shit out of those old geezers. "It will however take a few days until they will come to a conclusion and until then your uniforms are still in effect."

"I'm not walking around like this for god knows how long." The dog breeder again.

"Yeah, if they wanted this in the first place, they'll probably just drag the vote out till never-never day…" The weapon's mistress chimed in.

"They won't," he tried closing this topic, but saw them both ready to argue again. "Let me rephrase that – I won't _let_ them!"

_Let it never be said that Uchiha Itachi has lost his touch…_

The underlying tension and murderous calm in his words finally got them to shut up and agree. They did look a little smug about the council's fate and he couldn't even fault them for it – the old farts had it coming.

"So what are we supposed to do until then," the Haruno spoke up now – funnily enough, he had the odd feeling she actually trusted him to take care of the matter and was now calculating what else he was going to do. "We can't very well stay at home for the next week – we all have training and our jobs."

"You'll wear different uniforms until then – those _he_," here he pointed at his rapidly sobering partner, "had neither the brains nor the_ balls_ to outlaw."

Everyone looked at him puzzled.

"Give them your cloaks." He instructed the three baffled men.

"Oh no. No, no no. I am not wearing this potato sack indefinitely."

_Of course you won't…_

He really hadn't expected them to agree instantly.

"Either the cloak or the _cheerleader_ costume, Inuzuka. Take your pick."

In unison the four women stared down at their clothes and he could see the distaste in their eyes. Thankfully, his old team mate apparently decided that she was done arguing and turned back to the window with a huff. One down, three to go…

The other women also came to a decision and, with eerie synchrony, their heads swivelled around to the three standing men.

"_Strip_!!"

Itachi had to admit that their hissed command would have been enough to make lesser men faint on the spot and his three male underlings obviously agreed with him, since they each took a small step back and hastened to undo the clasps of their outer uniforms.

An interesting incident occurred while the men held out their coats towards the women and Itachi watched with rapt attention – his little brother was staring at the Haruno girl, apparently trying to catch her eye and obviously offering his garments only to her. She however was stubbornly ignoring him and snatched the cloak from Kisame's outstretched hand instead.

_Ah, the drama unfolds… _

Sasuke's eyes narrowed to mere slits and his posture stiffened even more, the hurt at her silent rejection barely covered by forced anger and Itachi wondered if his brother was really stupid enough to not have expected that reaction from her.

The younger Uchiha would have to do a lot of explaining after everything he had put his old team through and coming back here with a new team had probably hurt his old friends more than joining Akatsuki even. It would be a long while before they let him back into their hearts (if ever) and it seemed Sasuke had only just realized how much he'd fucked up. He'd be paying for that mistake for a long time to come.

This was even better than those soaps Deidara always used to watch…

"Now that that's settled, you may all _leave_. And Sasuke, get another cloak for the Hyuga."

All four women's eyes widened at that.

"Hinata-chan! Crap, we completely forgot about her." The Haruno girl jumped into action and rushed over to the couch. The weapon's mistress snatched the water carafe and a glass from his desk and hurried to help her friend.

"She's fine, just the usual," proclaimed the medic after a few minutes and gently shook the shy girl awake.

"Huh?"

"Here, Hinata-chan, drink this. We're in the Hokage's office and the mess with the uniforms is already settled."

It was quite astounding how much their moods could change in a manner of minutes and how their voices softened now that they were talking amongst each other, ignoring the men. The harsh words and angry frowns were gone, so as to comfort and relax their introverted friend.

"Sasuke," Itachi called his brother's attention away from the medic and reminded him, "the cloak."

Instead of doing as he was told however, the brat just quickly glared at his team mate and, with a wave of Sasuke's hand, Suigetsu scrambled off to the supply room. The older Uchiha realized he should have known better than to expect his little brother to perform such menial tasks. He'd have to find a way to change that attitude…

"Why… why are you all wearing _this_?" The small voice of the Hyuga turned both Uchihas' attention back to the women.

"Just until we get our old uniforms back," Tenten reassured her and she seemingly accepted that explanation for now.

"You can explain the rest outside," he reminded them to leave, "now, _scram_! Uchiha, Hoshigaki, the same goes for you. And Haruno, you will stay behind, there is something I would like to discuss with you."

Wrong choice of words, apparently, as everyone was watching him suspiciously now. Well, everyone except for Kisame, who obviously found the idea of his partner making advances on a woman (or anyone for that matter) rather amusing.

Sasuke on the other hand was silently seething and this reaction was the main reason Itachi had issued his order in front of everyone in the first place. There was something very satisfying and amusing about taunting the brat.

The other women, of course, were worried what he would do to the girl, if they left them alone and again it was somewhat amusing to see their desire to stay with her battling with their desire to get the hell away from him.

"_Now_!"

The emphasis was finally enough to get them moving and Itachi watched as they filed out of the room. His brother was the last one, shooting his _Hokage_ a look of pure rage as he pulled the door shut, and Itachi answered him with a satisfied smirk.

_Yes, very amusing indeed…_

"Sir?"

Alone with the kunoichi he regarded her solemnly for a long time, assessing her and, admittedly, hoping to watch her squirm a little…

…which she didn't, surprisingly enough. She must've gotten used to the Uchiha Scrutiny after spending so much time with his brother as team mates. Standing before his desk with her hands folded behind her back, her spine rigid and her head held high, she showed no visible signs of fear or nervousness in front of his imposing attitude.

His little brother was foolish indeed, if he had given her up willingly and even gone out of his way to ensure she would not come close to him again. That went for the copy-nin and the Uzumaki as well.

"Haruno, you are hereby appointed as my new assistant." That threw her a little and she opened her mouth as if to argue, but apparently thought better of it and kept silent. "You're already familiar with the job from your time with your mentor and you've shown a great deal of knowledge about the politics of this village. Your work begins tomorrow morning, eight am."

He watched as she fought with herself, deciding whether to speak up for herself or to take this new development in stride.

"I can't," she blurted out at last and hastened to explain when he raised his eyebrow in question. "I just don't have the time. I'm on call at the hospital round the clock and when I'm not there, I'm scheduled for training."

"Then cut back at the hospital – there are other medics."

"But I'm the Chief Medic Nin – I'm responsible for the health of _every_ Nin in this village, when I'm not out on missions. I worked hard to get that job and I'm sorry, but I refuse to give that up."

Well, he had to give her credit for putting it as bluntly as that.

"There are only few missions and therefore only few injuries at the moment, so you should be able to split your time between my office and your patients." He spoke in a tone that brooked no argument, but she still had counter points.

"You don't understand. It's not just limited to mission acquired injuries – I'm responsible for _every_ injury whatsoever. Every time an Academy student scrapes his knee, I have to either treat him myself or consult with the attending healer and then write up a report for the files…"

"Sounds like you have as much fun writing them as I have reading them…" he muttered grumpily – he really hated those reports and had been wondering for a while now, why any sane person (and he did consider her one) would bother to write down something as trivial as nosebleeds and colds.

"Well, yeah, but that's how it is. The council wants to be aware of everything – especially when it comes to the health of their fighters. The actual healing isn't the problem and other medics can cover for me for minor injuries, but the reports, that's what's so time consuming."

"And," she was on a roll now and he kind of regretted ever bringing this whole thing up, "then there's also that I have to be available for the other medics at any given time for consult or when the more difficult cases are brought in. Really, it's already difficult to juggle the rest of my life in the limited amount of free time I have – I mean, the last time I went on a date, we didn't even finish the salad course before I got called in…"

"I'd have to be _three_ people to catch up on everything if I were to work here too." She finally finished her tirade and he could see in her slightly desperate eyes that she was actually being honest and not just trying to get out of this assignment. He sighed at that revelation.

"Fine," he conceded, "but the job is still yours…"

Here she tried to protest again, but he raised his voice slightly and cut her off before she could start all over.

"_Until_ you find me someone who does have the time _and_ a reasonable amount of knowledge about politics and diplomacy. So you better hurry up, if you don't want to split yourself."

"Oh… okay. I guess that sounds fine." She turned to leave (_without his permission – really, no one in this village paid his title the respect it deserved…_) and he turned back to his papers – finally. Maybe he could still finish all this before nightfall…

"There was something else I've been meaning to ask you about, Hokage-_sama_." She was standing in front of his desk again, apparently just having remembered this, and he kissed another full night's sleep goodbye.

_Kami, what now?_

"_Yes_?"

"Well, the semi-annual physical exams are coming up in the next weeks and I need to know if we're supposed to restrict them to the Konoha nin only, or if the Akatsuki members stationed here are to be examined too?" She took on a rather stubborn stance, arms crossed and mouth curling as if she was presented with fried bugs for dinner, obviously preparing herself for a bad outcome. "Because, just to make one thing clear, I am not gonna touch that brother of yours."

"Afraid you'll get his cooties?"

She snorted again in that rather un-ladylike manner.

"I've kissed _boys_," she spoke mockingly, "I can handle cooties – but god knows what kind of strange bugs and germs he caught in that paedophile's lair…"

_Yeah and I know at least one__ of them_, Itachi thought to himself, _it's got red hair and the demeanour of a stray bitch in heat…_

"Akatsuki have their own healing staff – so you and your medics are safe. Is that all?" She nodded in reply. "You're dismissed, see you at eight."

"Yeah, yeah…" She was obviously a little miffed that she hadn't gotten out of the assignment completely.

"And tell my brother to stop planning my castration – I won't try to take away his _girl_."

"I am not _his_ girl!" So she had noticed Sasuke's earlier behaviour. "And I'm not gonna walk all over town and search for him, just to tell him something so… so… _stupid_!"

It was almost as much fun to mess with her as it was with Sasuke…

"Then it's very convenient that he's standing right outside the door, isn't it?"

She faltered at this, confusion spreading over her face – whether she wondered how he knew or why his brother would actually do something so sentimental, Itachi couldn't tell. With a slight shake of her head as if to shrug off the implications of his words, she opened the door and left.

Pulling the door closed with a soft click, Sakura couldn't quite contain her curiosity at Itachi's words and looked around the hallway quickly. To her astonishment, the older Uchiha had assessed his brother's whereabouts correctly and Sasuke was leaning against the wall to her right, next to the frame of the door.

He was a lot closer than she was expecting – not to mention that she had fervently hoped the Hokage's words were only meant to taunt her and not actually based on any kind of inside knowledge he might have into his brother's psyche, so she hadn't really been expecting him to be here at all. She took a small step backwards in surprise and immediately reprimanded herself for allowing him to see that she had noticed and, even worse, reacted to his presence.

She, just as Naruto and Kakashi, had spend the last three month ignoring the younger Uchiha's existence, and subsequently also his presence in Konoha, whenever it was possible – which had resulted in him treating them much the same. Or maybe he had always been planning to disregard them, before he'd even come back here, and their behaviour had had no influence whatsoever on his – who could really ever tell with an emotionally stunted amoebae like him…

But if he'd never had any intention of reconnecting with them – why was he standing here now, waiting for her?

And he had been waiting for her as he revealed a moment later when he started to speak.

"What did he want?"

Well, maybe 'speak' was a little overstatement – it was more of an order and as short as he could possibly phrase it without the meaning becoming incomprehensible.

"What's it to you?"

She turned away to leave, having seen her friends waiting for her at the end of the hall, but he wouldn't let her.

"Sakura!" He sounded angry – but then again, when _didn't_ he sound angry?

"That's Haruno-san to you, Uchiha."

She watched as he rolled his eyes and had to admit that her comeback was rather childish, but she was used to others paying her the respect she had worked so hard to earn over the years and he had better start realizing that soon, if he wanted her to cooperate with him.

"What did he want, _Sakura_?" He stepped in front of her and spoke slowly, as if to a small child or someone whose mental capacities were a little less than average, purposefully emphasizing her first name, more than making it clear that he had no intention of ever fully respecting her.

He was also wrong, if he thought his attitude would somehow impress or intimidate her…

"Why do you even want to know, Uchiha? Are you afraid I might be _servicing_ your brother and that you're not getting your fair share of the spoils of war?" That stunned him for a moment and he looked at her a little puzzled – of course she took advantage of his silence to drive her point home. "Well, then let me clear this up for you."

"Right now, I'd rather _blow_ him," here she pointed at the door they were standing in front of, "than come within two feet of _you_ – so stay the hell away from me!"

"What are you talking about – did he _ask_ you to do that?"

"God, no, of course he didn't!" She realized too late that she'd let herself be pulled into this argument against her better judgement and was actually reassuring him that she was not sleeping with his brother.

Well, it was her own fault, she realized, for ever bringing that topic up in the first place – of course someone as hormonally imbalanced as he would take her words the entirely wrong way and come to the conclusion that she was a working girl…

She slapped her own forehead. "Damn, you're a moron – do you honestly think this tower would still be standing, if he had really asked me to… to do him sexual favours? Do you think I'm some kind of _slut_?!"

Her voice reached a shrill pitch at the end of her outraged exclamation and she was honestly angry with him now, not just frustrated and hurt. Of all the insults he'd ever thrown her way, implying she would exchange sex for privileges from the Hokage was the lowest blow to date. Besides, it was none of his business anyway whom she was or wasn't sleeping with and she was not obligated to explain her life choices to him.

And wasn't he shacking up with that obnoxious redhead anyway? So what did it matter to him if Itachi propositioned her…

"I am done playing your emotional trash can, Uchiha!" She was screaming now and heads began turning their way, but she didn't care anymore. "My life is none of your concern and you gave up every right to be included in it a long time ago. So what if I'm not a virgin anymore, so what if I enjoy sex? We can't all be as biblically pure as the hormone-free, sexually uncontaminated Uchiha Orphan…"

"I never s…" He tried to interrupt, but she took little notice – the dam had finally burst and she enjoyed the freedom it awarded her to let go at last.

"I don't know why you would dare to show your face in this village again, but it doesn't really matter anyway, because I simply don't care anymore – be a traitor if it suits you, be an Akatsuki if that challenges you – hell, be a ballerina, if you're so inclined… Doesn't matter to me anymore."

"So don't come near me or my team, stop watching us train, stop _miraculously_ showing up wherever we happen to be eating, stop staring at me – in fact, forget you ever even knew me!"

She began to walk passed him, but he tried to grab her arm and she whirled to face him again, forcefully pulling her arm out of his reach.

"Don't touch me – don't you dare touch me!"

"Sakura!"

"What, Sasuke – which part of that didn't you understand. Is it so hard for you to realize that I don't want you anywhere near me?"

Again he tried to reach for her and interrupt the angry tirade, but she carried on regardless.

"Then let me be more concise," she raised both her hands and extended her middle fingers, pushing the gesture repeatedly in his face. "Fuck you! And fuck you!!"

Finally stunned into inactivity, he didn't stop her as she turned and stomped away. Her friends had obviously witnessed the whole thing and were grinning as she met up with them.

"Damn, forehead." The blond slung her arm around her best friend's shoulders and squeezed. "That was almost poetic."

"He doesn't deserve any better," Sakura spoke quietly, her anger evaporating almost immediately and exhaustion setting in. She hated that she had lost her control so completely and so publicly at that. "He doesn't even deserve my anger."

"Oh, come now, Haruno," the dog breeder chimed up from her other side, "I always found it more than cathartic to scream at an Uchiha – maybe from now on you can use him as a verbal punching bag when you need to let off some steam."

"I've seen you with Itachi, Hana," the medic snorted at the thought, "what you two are doing isn't venting or even really arguing – it's verbal foreplay!"

The others snickered at Hana's dumbfounded and gasping face, and the group slowly made their way down the stairs to the streets…

* * *

**A/N:**

**First of all, thank you all for your kind reviews! Thank you Music Lover Always, Cheese Maiden, the blanket, les-liaisons-dangereuses, LiuYa and Beauty Blade Alchemist!**

**Cheese Maiden: He'll probably try with the naughty things – but if she cooperates is a whole other question…**

**the blanket: I don't know why, but I love the ItachiHana pairing and it's sadly often overlooked. Maybe it's so interesting, because it's rather random and we don't know much about either of them – but I think there has to be a reason why we have met so few people of Itachi's generation. Most Nin we know are either Sasuke's age or definitely older than Itachi (I think the closest in age is Iruka with 25 – which is already a five year leap from Itachi). Hana is the only one who is of the exact same age as Itachi and there just has to be a reason why only she was introduced from his age-group – or maybe I'm just reading too much into it…**

**Anyway, I think it's very sad that fandom either tries to force Sakura into relationships with every single male in the manga, or just makes them all gay… There are other girls who need love too! So I like to at least give some of them other potential love-interests and Hana seems just spunky and clever enough to handle Itachi.**

**So, this chapter isn't quite as flashy as the first, but it lays a few ground rules for the universe the story is playing in.**** For example that Team 7 is not very happy with Sasuke at the moment and that Sakura in particular is disappointed. And that Itachi is hopelessly lost in his new job and needs a good assistant. And that Sasuke is a moron...**

**To all the Karin lovers who are reading this: I don't actually hate her character, please remember that it is Itachi who is thinking about her so unfavourably (although I do agree with him to a certain degree) and he's just not usually a nice or overly polite person – especially when you annoy him, which Karin does in this story, a lot. **

**And I also don't really see the point of her existence in the manga, so I'm not a big fan of her – I mean, basically she is nothing more than an 'Itachi-detector' for Sasuke, but in that vein, Naruto is an even stronger 'Itachi-attractor', which I think would be a lot more useful if you want to find someone, since that someone is coming to you and you don't have to look all over for him. Think about it, Karin's '**_**radar'**_** only reaches so far and if Team Hebi is searching in Wind Country, while Itachi is in Mist, there's no way in hell she's gonna feel his chakra anywhere. But if Sasuke were with Naruto in Fire Country, then Itachi would inevitably come to the Fire Country sooner or later and they'd meet. Not to mention that she obviously wants to spend as much time with Sasuke as she can and as soon as they find Itachi and Sasuke gets his 'revenge' or whatever the outcome may be, she loses her usefullness to Sasuke - so why shouldn't she accidently on purpose '_overlook_' Itachi's trail...**

**So I'm a little stumped as to her purpose in the whole story, but it's not just her, it's pretty much the same with the rest of Team Hebi. Granted, Juugo is useful and I can see why Sasuke wanted him on his team, but he's also a huge liability if he can't be controlled. And then there's Suigetsu, who can't even carry his own sword (which he probably cuddles at night) and basically you'd only have to steal his water supply and wait till he's hydrated to finish him… _Yeah, Sasuke, great team you got there, really. Moron._**

**Okay, that's it for now…**

**Thank you all for reading and please review.**


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